Drinking Muddy Water

For a couple months at the end of last year and the beginning of this year, I felt as if I had lost my creativity and a lot of my productivity, and I was just so distracted and discontent. I lacked purpose and drive and I didn't feel like pursuing much of anything. I was bored with blogging and was lacking things to write about. Even though I had been consistently making an effort to get up earlier each morning to spend more time reading my Bible and good, uplifting books, I didn't feel like I was growing closer to God, but rather becoming sort of distant. I didn't know why, but it was beginning to affect my attitude toward my family and living at home with them. I was much more easily annoyed with everyone and just altogether more eager to move on to the next chapter of my life. Some days weren't so bad, but other days were. Just over all, I wasn't experiencing the joy and fulfillment I used to have. I examined my heart, but couldn't find any blatant sin I was committing or an answer to my somewhat sudden overall change in disposition.

One afternoon, Mama kindly pointed out "as a sister in Christ", that it seemed as if I was "drinking muddy water" (i.e. being pulled down by something or someone), which was exactly how I had been feeling inside for the previous couple months. Still, I didn't know what or who was pulling me down, so I began to pray about it. Almost immediately, I felt the Lord show me exactly what I had allowed into my life that was hindering me from the life of servanthood He has called me to.

In September I had taken the plunge and set up a Facebook profile (I know you're wondering what Facebook has to do with this!). I heard it could be quite addicting, so I had been hesitant to join the online social network for several years. If you are not one of the 200 million people with a Facebook profile, it is basically an online network in which you can connect with friends. As I connected with the friends I communicate with on a regular basis and friends I have met through the blog, I also had taken advantage of many opportunities to reconnect with quite a few old friends that I had been close to when I was very young. These were mostly Christian girls whose families were similar to mine, we lived in similar homes in similar neighborhoods, attended similar churches, played on the same sports teams, and had many of the same friends. As I reconnected with old friend after old friend, I began to question my convictions and purpose for living at home. Here were these girls that, like me, were walking with God, loved their families, and had very similar upbringings, but somehow we've grown up to travel extremely different paths. Their status updates flooded my page as I checked my profile throughout the day... I read about their mostly self-centered lives as college students without a care in the world (except making it to class on time and studying for the next big test). I read about their enjoyable nights of dinner, shopping, and movies with their girlfriends. I saw the happy smiles on their faces as they clinged to their boyfriends' arm in the pictures they shared. I contemplated our very similar childhoods and our very different present lives.

As I prayed and asked God to show me what was pulling me down, this is what He revealed. It hadn't occurred to me that it would not be a good influence for me to be so closely reconnected with them. While they are primarily sweet Christian girls, their lives honestly revolve around themselves, and I found that was causing discontentment in my own life, since my life couldn't revolve around me alone, even if I wanted it to. They live in their dorm or apartment, make their own rules, run their own lives, and decide how they will spend their days, with very minimal outside influence, so I found it was causing me to dislike how my life is so wrapped up with family-related things.

I'm certainly not trying to slam attending college, spending evenings hanging out with friends, or spending time with a boyfriend! Those are simply things God doesn't have for me right now so it wasn't wise for me to "surround" myself with girls whose lives primarily consist of that.

I wanted my joy and fulfillment back, so I asked the Lord to show me what I should do... I considered getting rid of my Facebook profile altogether, but ended up deciding to just significantly cut back on the amount of time I spend there, so for the last couple months I haven't been using it very often.

As I cut back on the amount of time I was spending on Facebook, God restored my joy and purpose! I have been filled with creativity in pursuit of productivity and furthering endeavors, and my love and patience for my family has been renewed.

The Lord showed me a lot through this "muddy water" encounter.

First of all, I was reminded that it isn't wise to surround myself with friends with very different goals and priorities because that tends to breed discontentment in my life. In the same way, if a poor girl surrounded herself with rich girls who drove nice cars and wore expensive clothes, she would very likely become discontent. If a handicapped girl only hung out with athletic girls, she would also most likely become discontent. If a single girl only spent time with married girls, she would likely become discontent with her state of singleness.

This is not to say that, by serving my family at home, I have chosen a "lesser path". In fact, this experience caused me to reevaluate my convictions in this area and others. I began to ask myself, "Why do I feel strongly about serving my family at home?", "Why don't I become a little bit more 'pro-active' when it comes to 'finding' my future husband so I can move on to the next chapter of my life?", etc., but as I pondered these questions and my alternatives, God's Word and His calling for my life reinforced what I already believed. I am confident that God has a plan for these years spent at home and a plan for my singleness. I am confident that I am where God wants me to be during this season of my life. Yet, because of my sinful flesh, I will always desire so-called 'freedom', 'independence', and doing things my own way. But, really, as I watch girls who purposely center their lives around themselves, that have their 'freedom', 'independence', and run their own lives however they want, their lives actually seem quite empty to me. How boring it would be to spend your life pouring yourself exclusively into your education for your career, your social life for your enjoyment with no intent of serving others or furthering anybody except yourself! Isn't serving others what we're all, as Christians, called to do? Aren't we supposed to imitate Christ, who embodied servanthood? That is where we can find true joy and fulfillment, no matter what path God may call us to.

Last of all, I'm glad to learn the signs of "drinking muddy water" so I will be more aware when I allow something else draining into my life. Certainly this is not the first time I've allowed "muddy water" into my life. This caused me to wonder what other areas right now am I allowing "muddy water" to contaminate my life and to be cautious in the relationships, friendships, books, music and media, etc., I allow into my life.

This has definitely been a huge growing experience for me! It is my hope that, by sharing this, others may learn from my mistake and join me in becoming more diligent in not allowing "muddy water" to contaminate us as we purpose to become servants wherever God has us in each season of our lives.