Courtship Journal Entries: Part One

I really want for our story to glorify God by being one of encouragement to others still clinging tightly to their faith in God to bring their future spouse into their lives. I am, to an extent, vulnerably sacrificing some of the privacy and preciousness of the memories recorded in my journaling so that others may be encouraged and find hope as they too walk a similar path. Over the upcoming days, I will be posting a selection of my edited journal entries from the past six and a half months, as well as a few side notes to shed light on my thoughts and intentions which were not made clear through my writing. I pray that the following journal selections may bless and encourage!

September 2009

September 12, 2009

It's not been quite a week since I received an email from this Stephen. I'm so impressed. A young man with vision. He's so far beyond me. How I long to pour out my life serving a man of vision. I'm still in total shock that I am corresponding with such an accomplished young man... a man who is doing something great with his life. I'm beyond impressed with every word I read in the emails and many articles I've found about him and his many accomplishments.

Lord, what do I do? I want to continue to correspond and get to know him better, but I question if that is appropriate or not. Lord, please give me an opportunity to pour my heart out to Mama and seek her advice. Help me to be willing to accept Your will and timing, remembering that it is only in You that I'll find fulfillment or satisfaction, not in marriage. Lord, please still my racing heart. I pray You'll give me a man of vision like this one.

**It is worth noting that, of course, it is very dangerous to meet random guys online and that added to the reasons I felt it was important to have my family involved in this new friendship. Also, my family would have been much more hesitant about Stephen if it weren't for the fact that his past and accomplishments were well-documented in articles online.**

September 14, 2009

I'm completely blown away and in a constant state of shock any more. Yesterday, while Mama delivered the Raleigh milk and everyone else was at church, I told her all of the details of Stephen. I had mentally prepared myself to be "set straight" by her words of admonition, but was surprised at her excitement. She was equally befuddled at Stephen's request to "get to know me better", as stated in his most recent email, so she suggested I tell Daddy, Elliott, and Oliver the story on our way home later that afternoon. I did that-- telling as many details as I could remember about this amazing young man-- and Daddy agreed with my thought to tell Stephen-- even though it would seem extremely presumptuous-- that I felt it would be best for him to contact Daddy if he wanted to get to know me better. I don't want to waste my time or get my hopes up even further if this isn't going anywhere.

Yesterday evening, I nervously typed that email and prayed as I hit the "send" button. Today I'm in NC doing bushhogging work, and all day as I've sat in the tractor cab, I've been overwhelmed with thoughts about this situation. He could truly have any girl he wants. Will he even write back? This morning, my Bible literally fell open to Psalm 62, where I had previously highlighted this comforting verse:

"I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken." Psalm 62: 5-6

Later that Evening

After my day of bushhogging, I headed into town to run some errands and-- of course!-- check my email in a nearby hotel's lobby. I called Mama on the phone and asked if she had received any email from Stephen and she said no, but she had been excitedly checking her email all day long. My heart sunk. I reassured myself that he didn't have to write back on this very first day and maybe an email was still coming... or maybe not. Before I logged off and left, I checked Mama's email one more time-- just in case. I was overjoyed to see he had just sent an email a few minutes before! The email was amazing. He is amazing. I was so nervous I was even shaking as I read his words. I feel so inadequate for such a man. I can't believe he actually wrote my dad.

While my heart is beyond happy, I am terrified of getting it crushed. I am beyond hopeful, but very sober. I tell myself that if he isn't the man for me, the Lord will send someone even better along. How someone could be any better I can't even fathom. Is it possible that my very last "how much longer must I wait?" has already passed?

September 16, 2009

Stephen-- oh, one day could he be my Stephen? Stephen and Meredith? I know it's way too soon to know anything, but when I pray about him today I have a real peace in my heart as I rest in God's will.

September 19, 2009

I hate waiting. This week has been an emotional roller coaster-- great excitement, caution, slight discouragement. I'd give anything to just know-- yes or no? Is he the man for me or is he not? If it's a no, I'd like to go ahead and move on before my heart becomes all the more hopeful. I can barely fathom the excitement if it's a yes. Right now, it's all on the line. In his last email to me before I "turned him over to Daddy", he wrote that I'm "one of the most amazing women he's ever come across" and my future husband is going to be "an incredibly lucky guy", and in his letter to Daddy, he wrote that I possess an "uncommon virtue", which is a "prize beyond measure." My heart is so happy even writing that. I dwell on these sweet words. But am I, in his opinion, worth pursuing as his wife? Even though he's yet to even meet me? Am I worth going through my father's questions-- which I am sure is a new and odd concept to him? Time will tell. Will I know a week from now or six months from now? I try to remind myself of all the scripture I can find on waiting on the Lord, and I continue to attempt to comfort myself with the thought that someone else will come along if Stephen is not the right one. I can't imagine someone better though.

September 20, 2009

Daddy's first email in response to Stephen, which will likely define where we're going with all of this was prayerfully sent just two hours ago. I read it before it was sent and felt it was well-written and concise. If he intends to pursue me, he will call Daddy. I feel very good about everything. I'm eager to see what happens. If we never hear another word from this young man, I will try to muster up the confidence that someone better suited for me actually exists. Mama and I discussed it this afternoon and she told me all of the reasons why she thinks I'd be so well suited for Stephen. Lord, please make your will clear for me, Stephen, my family.

Chelsea emailed me earlier with the exciting news that Frank proposed to her yesterday! I have a great, true excitement for her because my hope is strong and elsewhere. Years ago, we talked about "Summer 2010 weddings". Could it really happen as we had hoped???

September 21, 2009

Nothing yet. I am wondering. Hoping. Praying. Excited. Anxious. Waiting.

September 22, 2009

I feared that if he emailed Daddy it would be his tactful way of telling Daddy that he was not interesting in calling because he had no intention to "pursue" me. Discouraged that he hadn't called, I checked my parents' email. My heart sunk when I saw an email from him. What a shock when I opened it and read that he had flown to Connecticut for the weekend to give his testimony at a church there. He did plan to call Daddy and asked when the best time would be! He included his testimony-- the most amazing testimony I've ever read-- absolutely all the more unbelievable that he is corresponding with my father. It sounded like it was from a book about a great Christian man of centuries past. Oh Lord, I am so undeserving of this godly man. Lord, if he is the man for me, make me worthy! How exciting this is!

September 23, 2009

He called Daddy and they talked for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I have yet to hear even one detail of their conversation, and I am so eager. The excitement grows every day and I have such a peace. I am totally in awe, as if this is not really happening. Oh Lord, please make me willing to surrender Stephen to You if he is not Your will for me. Oh how I long for this to be Your will! What a beautiful story it seems You are writing. I am so undeserving.

September 24, 2009

The phone call seems to have gone fine, but I don't know much. Is Daddy going to email him with more questions now? Are they just praying about it for a while? Daddy never breathes a word about it, as if it is not even happening. I have a nagging fear that Stephen will wake up one morning and realize what he has done. Why would he call the father of a girl he has never met or spoken to? Won't he realize soon enough that he deserves so much more than me? I wonder if he'll lose interest in me once he gets to England? I just have to trust that the One who has orchestrated this story thus far will carry it on to completion if that is His will and I must find my confidence and fulfillment in Him alone. If Stephen is the man for me, I feel so unworthy and as if God is smiling down on me, rewarding me for waiting so long for my love story to unfold and giving me a man so far beyond me.

September 29, 2009

Silence. Last week seemed to be brimming with hope and excitement and this week has, thus far, simply been quiet. I could forget that all of this is even happening if it weren't for my raging inner battle-- great hope and excitement for a while, then discouragement at the thought of him losing interest, then quiet peace amidst the storm, knowing God is in control of every detail. As far as I know, he left for England this past weekend. It is my understanding that Daddy will be emailing him within another week. I suppose his response will be the true test. He very well may have moved on by then. I strongly dislike waiting! I am hopeful and prayerful that the Lord will make His will clear for all of us in a timely fashion! I wrote Stephen a letter last night.... Only to be opened if, indeed, I am the luckiest and most blessed wife in the world one day.

September 30, 2009

The Lord encouraged me this morning with the following verse:

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." Isaiah 64:4

Another translation reads, "No mind has even conceived what God has prepared for them!" Perhaps this is talking about eternity or something larger than marriage, but I found comfort and confidence in this verse. If we never hear one more word from Stephen, the Lord must have something "better" in store, and although I can't grasp the idea of anyone better, I'm sure the Lord would see me through that terrible heart crushing and teach me a lot about His faithfulness.